I only last week had the life changing realization that I have become “Angry People on Twitter” @horriblestats I deleted a bunch of angry tweets but my feed still has sparkles of hate throughout. What caught my attention was that 10 of my 10 most recent tweets were Literally All not-that-nice tweets to the MTA about the MTA (The organization that runs public transit in New York).

      I now understand the spewing septic tank of venom that is Twitter. Today it is possible to instantly get your haterade, unfiltered and somewhat anonymous, to the hateree. “Twitter is revolutionary?! Well golly gee we had no idea! Thanks Ryan!”

The point is that this isn’t that. This isn’t twitter hate. This runs deeper than twitter hate. I’ve had a full 24 hours to think about and discuss this Mouth Breather. From laughing with my boss, to fear that Baseball-Trade-Mutt-Dumbass-Disorder might be an unknown STD you get from simply trying to Fuck People. Buy your asian mask things now you guys. BTMDD is serious.

So here is how you can get everyone in your league to hate you. Act like this kid:

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First Contact

I don’t know this kid, this is a $100, 14 Team league 7X7 head to head weekly categories with a W/L for each category. I know only Tom in this league. So he texts me out of nowhere and opens with a bad deal. Its not so bad that its offensive though, its legitimate enough that he is willing to include Kris Bryant. I tell him no that I am looking for Saves and Steals and don’t want to give up starting pitching.  He then offers me Brian Dozier (who I have always hated) and Chris Owings for Daniel Murphy. Nothing wrong here either. Its a deal I don’t want but no beef. I semi consider it but reply with the following counter offer. The guy giving up the one player in deals like this has to get back more. As I will explain to him later when you give up a 95 in two 50’s is nowhere close. This is obvious I thought to all. You need two 80s at least. I look at his team and send this:

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1st: What I said:

No you idiot. Hosmer and Owings are neither guy I asked for.

When you are negotiating with someone and they counter offer they are revealing/saying to you directly “These are the guys I’m interested in, work them the fuck in, this is more or less the price.”

2nd: He says “That’s tough for me. That’s my best outfielder and my best closer.”

    DOES THIS DICKFACE WALK IN TO A CVS, GRAB RAZORS WITH A PRICE TAG ON THEM, GO TO THE CASHIER AND SAY “Oh man! $32?! That’s tough for me, that’s my best money. That’s the money I was gonna use for food, I was really hoping to shave for free. Ill give you $4.”  He’s the one who got my number, texted me, told me he wants my player and he is getting a quote.

So now I’m a little frustrated. He basically didn’t read what I sent. Also his offer was worse this time. Dozier was arguably the best 2nd baseman in baseball last year, and he now takes him out of the deal and includes a slightly above average first baseman? This is going backwards…. each side is supposed to make more concessions as a negotiation progresses, not less. (By total coincidence Dozier and Hosmer happen to be two of my least favorite players in all of baseball. Hosmer strikes me as a total bro-bag who will hit on your girlfriend in the club, succeed, and then beat your team in the world series with a base-running play that shames your franchise 3rd Baseman’s throwing arm. As for Dozier I don’t like Right Handed hitters who do most of their damage against Lefties. Also I don’t like his stubble/five O’clock shadow game.)

I tell him I don’t think this is gonna work at all man but he says another friend of his in the league is interested in making a deal as well and maybe we can work out a Three Team Trade. I say OK because who knows? Maybe OJ didn’t do it. Maybe it’ll be a better offer. So an hour goes by and then it happens. The trade embodiment of a mentally retarded 13 year old sociopath. “What about this” With a screen shot and description of the funniest trade offer in the history of man.

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Is this some kind of joke? Is this Tom fucking with me? This can’t be real.

To recap, he has just proposed that I give up Daniel Murphy, who has literally been the Best 2nd Baseman in our league so far, For who would functionally be an above average Center Fielder for me in Chris Owings (I have Manny Machado at SS) Who is by the way having by far the best month of his career, and Trevor. Fucking. Rosenthal who isn’t even the closer on a not so good team.

The deal has now gotten worse every offer, for 3 consecutive offers. From Dozier Owings, to Hosmer Owings, and now Rosenthal Owings. This deal I just described is actually offensive now. I think about what in my texts might have given the impression I wanted in on a collusion ring designed for him to win the league…. Murphy for Trevor Rosenthal and Chris Owings- get out of here!…….

Wait? What do you mean that’s not the whole deal? Oh! I mis-read it. I must be getting another piece. I don’t need to be so mad after all. Let me take another look…….

  OH. HE ONLY WANTS ME TO ALSO INCLUDE JAMES FUCKING PAXTON.

This is beyond words and needs no explanation so I won’t go on.

He goes on to inform me that James Paxton is hurt and I ask the mouth breather if he understands what he offered me.IMG_8040

  GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE JAMBRONI. IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOU THOUGHT.

  I made one last counter offer to him: I offered him Mitch Moreland, TJ Rivera and two or three of my other Waiver Wire Pick Ups for Kris Bryant, Rick Porcello, and Marcel Ozuna. 

You want nobody to ever respect a trade offer from you ever again? Act like the Mouth Breather. So when you ask for the price of something ignore what they say and try to hand them 70-85% less. I hope this guide was helpful for anybody looking act like a cock bag.

In fact I hope he tries these tactics next time he goes to buy drugs. If he doesn’t set his lineup next week Ill know hes dead in Harlem or something.

Ryan Depaulo

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