That celebration. What a fucking retard. This is almost as bad as Milton Bradley When he did this: Continue reading “SPORTS FAIL OF THE WEEK”
The New York Mets and Coca-Cola revealed today that the Mr. Met Fingering Scandal was nothing more than a big marketing hoax. “We wanted to find a way to have the Coca-Cola brand visible in online videos. The most watched videos include controversy, so we created our own.” George Stolburger of Coca-Cola said. Its 2017 Product Placement. Continue reading “Mr. Met Scandal is a “Marketing Hoax” by Coca-Cola”
For as long as I can remember I found baseball really boring. At the first game I ever attended, in the top of 3rd Inning I asked my Dad if we could go home. In Little League, multiple times while “playing” outfield I remember thinking to myself “I can’t wait to go home and play Sonic”. I would also pretend I was a ninja and write movie scenes in my head to pass the time….little league outfield blows.
The Yankees Steakhouse “NYY STEAK” is not alone now. The Mets have responded. Aaaaaaand it’s a pathetic joke: Continue reading “THE METS ANSWER FOR NEW YORK YANKEES STEAKHOUSE”
I love the expression “If I were a gambling man…”, I use it all the time. With it, you get to simultaneously feel out the odds for any prediction whatsoever, and nobody thinks your a total degenerate for mentioning gambling at a funeral. I once managed to successfully escalate an “innocent” prediction on the race and gender of the next person to pass by on the street into myself and 3 co-workers screaming “Oooh! Asian MAN!” With cash in hand. I lost all I had on me that night (Like $12), but my point is this expression and the idea of betting on anything is a dream for a total degenerate like myself. Continue reading “UNBELIEVABLE: You Can Now Bet On Steroid Suspensions.”
I only last week had the life changing realization that I have become “Angry People on Twitter” @horriblestats I deleted a bunch of angry tweets but my feed still has sparkles of hate throughout. What caught my attention was that 10 of my 10 most recent tweets were Literally All not-that-nice tweets to the MTA about the MTA (The organization that runs public transit in New York).
I now understand the spewing septic tank of venom that is Twitter. Today it is possible to instantly get your haterade, unfiltered and somewhat anonymous, to the hateree. “Twitter is revolutionary?! Well golly gee we had no idea! Thanks Ryan!”
The point is that this isn’t that. This isn’t twitter hate. This runs deeper than twitter hate. I’ve had a full 24 hours to think about and discuss this Mouth Breather. From laughing with my boss, to fear that Baseball-Trade-Mutt-Dumbass-Disorder might be an unknown STD you get from simply trying to Fuck People. Buy your asian mask things now you guys. BTMDD is serious.
So here is how you can get everyone in your league to hate you. Act like this kid:
I know I know I know I know shut up, shut up. It is a small sample size. However! :::::Finger Pointed to the Sky::::::: Since the 2017 All-Star Team Ballots are now open I thought it cute and unfair to look at which players have hurt their teams the most so far. The worst players of 2017. The All Buxton Team.
Remember in 2015 when just a few weeks before the All-Star Game 8 Royals were on the starting team? Everyone was freaking the fuck out because Omar Infante was set to cement his legacy next to Joe Morgan and Robinson Cano. Well this team could just be the 2017 Royals. With Alex Gordon, Eric “Bottle-service” Hosmer, Alicides Escobar, The new Omar Infante, and their 3rd baseman who is so bad the fans call him a Moose! They are dead last in Baseball (by a lot) with 97 runs scored this season. They would make a great Buxton 2017 Team. Unfortunately though as much as I love bashing the Royals (Met pain?) Not one Royal made the team.
Here is the team, as we stand today Mid-May 2017 of players who have been the least valuable:
I recently discovered this really great show you guys! Its a little known show called “The Wire”, its about Crack and Baltimore and This guy named Omar and Police. You should really check it out!
Also THE BEST HOMERUN CALL I HAVE EVER HEARD. Its from 2013. You are probably saying to yourself ” Ryan these gems? how do you find them so quickly?” Just watch and ill explain.
“TH-IS BAWL IS LON- GONE JUS-A LIKE-A THE EX GIRLFRIEND WHO. WILL. NEVER. RETURN! HOMERUN”
I don’t dare suggest the call itself requires ANY commentary to get better enjoyment out of it. It is perfect. PERFECT.
But I do have a few observations:
- These fans are going ape-shit. Like insane. I have many questions that I’m sure I could just look up the answers to, but lets just speculate without facts. Is this a regular season game? Its only the second inning right? do they know they are still losing? do they go this crazy always at every game? Did the fans somehow hear this amazing call and understand another language before it even happened?
- Some dude gives him a gift when he gets to the dugout. What did he get? Is this normal? Manny didn’t seem very thankful as he mimes throwing it into the crowd. That is really rude Manny. I don’t open a birthday gift and joke- mime throwing it out my window.
- He has like 82 teammates. Does he know any of their names? Does he know all of their names? That’s a lot of high fives to give before entering the dugout. Again, I’m sure I could find out roster size in china with a simple google-effort but I prefer the idea of quadruple platoons at every position on the team except Manny’s because is 4X the man.
- The play by play guy not only is supremely confident in his ability to speak English, but that his joke is funny, AND will translate. That’s swag one can only dream of. I love him, I love you, I love everybody…. Thanks 3 year old Clip!
Since I have no idea how to write I am going to sign off like this is a letter
Come home safe, Ryan Depaulo