I know I know I know I know shut up, shut up. It is a small sample size. However! :::::Finger Pointed to the Sky:::::::  Since the 2017 All-Star Team Ballots are now open I thought it cute and unfair to look at which players have hurt their teams the most so far. The worst players of 2017. The All Buxton Team.

Remember in 2015 when just a few weeks before the All-Star Game 8 Royals were on the starting team? Everyone was freaking the fuck out because Omar Infante was set to cement his legacy next to Joe Morgan and Robinson Cano. Well this team could just be the 2017 Royals. With Alex Gordon, Eric “Bottle-service” Hosmer, Alicides Escobar, The new Omar Infante, and their 3rd baseman who is so bad the fans call him a Moose! They are dead last in Baseball (by a lot) with 97 runs scored this season. They would make a great Buxton 2017 Team. Unfortunately though as much as I love bashing the Royals (Met pain?) Not one Royal made the team.

Here is the team, as we stand today Mid-May 2017 of players who have been the least valuable:


Who are these guys? I don’t know what every bad player looks like! Why didn’t you just put names on the photo?

Here, me neither, and because Bootleg Photoshop on my phone takes a really long time to add text

1st Base: Greg Bird NYY. In Just 60 At Bats has  -0.5 WAR He is batting .100…… .100 is bad bro

2nd Base: Devon Travis. TOR. According to ESPN WAR Travis has sole possession of last place with -1.0 WAR. I have had bad softball games but never so bad that I can say literally say I cost my team a game. Travis can. (I know its cumulative jagoff)

Short Stop: Dansby Swanson ATL: The 2015 1st Overall Pick is really bad so far this season. Atlanta has already given up on letting him bat 2nd in the lineup in 111 At Bats has a .467 OPS. Even if his defense was perfect he would still be hurting the team.  I think his Dad invented the bootleg Dinty Moore Beef Stew Things so that is what he gets. Maybe Arizona was onto something by getting willingly raped in the trade that sent him to Atlanta. “Consensual Rape” it sounds like a Trump campaign slogan.

Maikel Franco: PHI. He is fat. Go chill with 2016 Matt Kemp. Nope, nothing to do with hitting Grand Slams against Mets, he actually sucks this year for someone who can like hit a ball moving really fast with a wooden thing. For some reason despite a sub .600 OPS he is like 95% owned in fantasy leagues because much like the Jeff Francoeur effect, we all seem to have a lasting first impression of a players early success that blinds us to the spare tire.

Catcher: I forget this guys name looks like hes on Arizona…JK lolz! Its Jeff Mathis he’s PLAYED IN ONLY 18 GAMES and has been worth -0.9 wins. That’s not good. If he played all 162 games at the rate of -0.9 wins for every 18 games he would by himself lose them 8.1 Games. He has literally been a reverse 2016 NL MVP Kris Bryant. OPS+ of -2 in only 59 Plate Appearances. “This God Darn family didn’t build its legacy on -2 OPS+’s and we sure as hell are not going to start today. Nancy give me my belt” – Mr. Jeff Mathis Sr. before beating his son.

Outfield #1: Eduardo Nunez Pronounced “NOON-EASE!” He’s playing Left field cause some baby-faced schmo arroyo took his spot. Giants suck.

Outfield #2: Carlos Gonzalez. I got really excited when I saw how bad a year he was having for a second because I thought I read Carlos Gomez. But sadly Gomez whom we hate here at CapFigure has not been this bad. Gonzalez, who makes Ellsbury money $20 Million a year has been awful in 2017 batting .188 While not only taking a spot in RF on a winning team with a good offense. HE PLAYS IN COORS. -0.9 WAR

Outfield #3: Joey-5 O clock Shadow at 11am-Bautista He plays in Canada. And actually his team plays in this league where all the other teams are in the US. Its wacky. I seriously hope he turns it around because this past off-season he reminded us all the downside of  pulling a Joe Flacco/ Max Scherzer by not taking the extra money when hot. Now hes literally below the poverty line. Poor Joey Bats.

You may be asking Where is Byron Buxton? Isn’t this team named after him? What the hell? The answer is: Minnesota. He plays center field for the Twins.

Ryan Depaulo @horriblestats Ig: @whyisjadakiss


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